The universe is testing me

Today I was tested.

I parked my van in one of the parking ramps downtown, early for a lunch date with friends, and decided to kill a little time by running an errand at a nearby store. Once I was done, I returned to the van to drop off my purchases – only to discover, there, lying on the garage floor next to my vehicle, a bag of donuts.

I should explain something: Me and donuts, we have a history. It's a sort of checkered past involving my intense sweet tooth and the amazing deliciousness of donuts, over-indulgence, regret, bliss, shame, etc. It's physically difficult for me to pass up an offer of donuts.

I froze. Stood perfectly upright. Dared only to stare sidelong at the clear bag containing what looked like two fresh-from-the-bakery donuts. Jelly filled. Glistening with the sweat of their glaze pressed against the plastic of the bag. They looked untouched, like some poor soul had simply dropped them there and gone on with their day, unaware of the loss.

How could you not notice that you’d dropped your donuts?

I was appalled. And tempted. Should I pick up the bag? Eat those perfectly good donuts? I mean, hello, free donuts.

But then, what if this was a test? What if there was a hidden camera somewhere, recording this moment of my greatest challenge? What if there was a piece of string attached and someone, hidden behind a nearby wall, was just waiting to pluck the bounty away as soon as I bent over to grab it?

No, I thought. Don’t eat the floor donuts. Not because someone might be watching, but because it would feel like rock bottom. Resist! But...NO. Don't do it. You're better than this, dammit.

I forced myself to finish my errand and walked away to the lunch date. Left the sack of abandoned donuts behind me, for someone else to discover. 

Goodbye, floor donuts. Goodbye.

Man likes his donuts

I by no means condone theft or engaging police in high speed chases for any reason whatsoever. However, I can understand the impulse to make off with an entire truck full of donuts, should the opportunity present itself. Of course, I exercise some control over my id, something this fellow doesn't seem to understand:

A delivery driver reported that his Krispy Kreme truck was stolen from the Open Pantry as he was making a delivery inside. A UWPD officer located the truck and got into a pursuit with it. During the pursuit the truck stopped and the driver backed the truck into the squad before taking off again. Another UW officer continued the pursuit for a short period before the pursuit was terminated. An MPD officer was in the area and observed the vehicle drive past him. The officer then attempted to stop the vehicle and a second pursuit ensued outbound on University Avenue. The suspect driver at one point drove against traffic where speeds reached over 80mph. The driver then crossed over the median and turned into the Village of Shorewood behind the strip mall area where the driver then surrendered in the parking lot of Copps in the 3600 block of University Avenue and was taken into custody.

The Madison police blotter can be downright fascinating at times (and quite depressing at others).

There's probably also a stupid joke somewhere in here about police chasing a donut truck, but I'm going to rise about and leave it to your capable imaginations.