The universe is testing me

Today I was tested.

I parked my van in one of the parking ramps downtown, early for a lunch date with friends, and decided to kill a little time by running an errand at a nearby store. Once I was done, I returned to the van to drop off my purchases – only to discover, there, lying on the garage floor next to my vehicle, a bag of donuts.

I should explain something: Me and donuts, we have a history. It's a sort of checkered past involving my intense sweet tooth and the amazing deliciousness of donuts, over-indulgence, regret, bliss, shame, etc. It's physically difficult for me to pass up an offer of donuts.

I froze. Stood perfectly upright. Dared only to stare sidelong at the clear bag containing what looked like two fresh-from-the-bakery donuts. Jelly filled. Glistening with the sweat of their glaze pressed against the plastic of the bag. They looked untouched, like some poor soul had simply dropped them there and gone on with their day, unaware of the loss.

How could you not notice that you’d dropped your donuts?

I was appalled. And tempted. Should I pick up the bag? Eat those perfectly good donuts? I mean, hello, free donuts.

But then, what if this was a test? What if there was a hidden camera somewhere, recording this moment of my greatest challenge? What if there was a piece of string attached and someone, hidden behind a nearby wall, was just waiting to pluck the bounty away as soon as I bent over to grab it?

No, I thought. Don’t eat the floor donuts. Not because someone might be watching, but because it would feel like rock bottom. Resist! But...NO. Don't do it. You're better than this, dammit.

I forced myself to finish my errand and walked away to the lunch date. Left the sack of abandoned donuts behind me, for someone else to discover. 

Goodbye, floor donuts. Goodbye.

Homo sex is great!

Madison is a bubble of hyper-liberalism, this is true, so it's always surprising when, for instance, protesters show up at our cute little gay pride parade. There were about a half dozen of them out for the festivities on Sunday, holding their bizarre signs railing against homosexuality and encouraging everyone to fear God (what a strange take on spirituality).

Remembering a delightful photo I'd seen circulating the internet over the years, I immediately asked a nearby woman who was happily counter-protesting if she could quickly whip up a sign that simply said "GREAT" on it, and then would she be so kind as to hold it up directly under/over the "HOMO SEX IS SIN" sign?

Much to her credit, the woman smiled and hurried off to make it happen. This is the resulting picture.

It's always deeply tempting to negatively engage with people espousing such hurtful bigotry - but, in my experience, nothing is ever really accomplished by that save making the other person feel more righteously justified in their cause. Crazy queer is attacking me! I'm right, they're all dangerous anger bears! Which isn't really what we should be aiming for, right?

Better to go for the good-hearted laugh, I say, and then focus on more long-term, educational, compassionate campaigns to change public opinion overall. Expose these folks to real live gay people - people from all walks of life, regular folk just trying to be themselves - and kill 'em with kindness (and humor), as they say.

Working From Home: 3-9-10

Working From Home: 2-23-10

If Obama is secretly from Kenya, then we all are

In honor of the recent spate of birther madness:

Zing!

Ain't no party like a teabaggin' party

This whole teabagging movement, aside from being hilarious for their completely unaware use of the term "teabagging," is more than a little baffling to me.

Government has been prone to wasteful spending for years, and people's interpretations of what equals wasteful and what equals necessary has varied for just as long. Still, you'd think that the massive deficit left to us by the last administration's eight years in office would have been more than enough to tick off these fiscally fired up folks.

Apparently not. Apparently it took a New Deal style stimulus plan to do it for the teabaggers. This would be the stimulus plan aimed at pulling the country out of the abominable mess left by the last administration's hard-on for deregulation and tax cuts for the wealthiest among us.

Now, at this very moment, a group of people are gathered at the state capitol here in Madison (and in many other cities across the US) to throw themselves a tea party. They've had enough of this Obama and his crazy ideas about spending on infrastructure and social services, job creation and environmental protections! Tax cuts for those making under $250k a year? Outrageous!

My source on the ground tells me that local talk radio host and great admirer of her own reflection Vikki McKenna has just asked the assembled crowd, "For how many of you is this your first protest? That's right, we've never had reason to before."

If that's true for even one of the people there, consider me deeply depressed by it. They've never had a reason to protest before? Not over the falsified intelligence and needless invasion of Iraq? Not for the massive, warrantless wiretapping program perpetrated on American citizens by their own government? Not for the brazen disregard for the vital importance of our natural resources? Not for the rampant politicization of our nation's Justice Department? Not for the lying, outing of CIA agents, and law-breaking that happened at the highest levels of government?

Nope. It took a stimulus plan and a right-wing, corporately funded campaign claiming that said plan is akin to dirty, dirty socialism to mobilize these individuals.

Regardless of the fact that several of the services many of them rely upon to get through their days in relative safety and to make ends meet (Medicare, Social Security, police, firefighters, etc.) would qualify as dirty, dirty socialism by their own definition.

Regardless of the fact that this "grassroots" movement is having its strings pulled and paid for by major conservative political organizations (like Americans for Prosperity and FreedomWorks), somewhat negating the whole "grassroots" part of the claim.

Frankly, I'd take far less issue with this teabagging business if they just up and admitted to where they're getting their financial and logistical support from. But the fact that the movement's biggest cheerleaders--like Fox News' histrionic Glenn Beck--seem so intent on painting this as something put together entirely by "regular folk" is extremely disingenuous.

There are real issues of tax fairness and need for tax code revision facing Americans today. The corruption and incompetence that lead us into the current Recession call out loudly for serious fixes. But, instead of addressing these issues with reason and thoughtfulness, the teabaggers have simply opened their mouths and swallowed what's being fed to them by the very interest groups and organizations that would be most targeted by real efforts at reform.
P.S. As a side note, the photos included in this post were taken by my source on the ground at the Madison tea party. Like his own caption said, "It isn't a REAL protest until the Hitler signs show up." That and references to white slavery, I guess.

Also, can I just say, kudos to Julaine Appling of Wisconsin Family Action, who has been the voice behind many of the state's most anti-gay movements of past years? It must have taken a great deal of personal strength on her part to attend and speak at a pro-teabagging rally.

EDIT TO ADD: OK, enough of the silly double entendres. Take a look at this informative break-down of what's included in the Obama stimulus plan the teabaggers seem to dislike so much.

Sunday Brunch: Conservatives go nuts for teabagging

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I love you Rachel Maddow.

Happy April Fools

Today is my brother's birthday. Truly, he is the biggest April Fool of them all, and I love him.

Beyond that, I have no hilarious jokes to play on you via my blog today. Only these fantastic images that I would like to share. Enjoy!

Sunday Brunch: Sausages

Ah, Kids in the Hall. How I do miss serialized doses of your insane, delightfully Canadian brand of comedy. Well, barring DVD purchases, there's always Youtube to bring back some of my favorite sketches. This one is probably one of their most absurd, for sure, and has stuck with me ever since I first saw it so many years ago. I share it now with you all:

Don't be That Guy (or Girl)

I went to see My Brightest Diamond perform this weekend at the Orpheum Stage Door Theatre here in town. I was there both because I really enjoy their music and because I was reviewing it for 77 Square. And while I generally had a good time and thought the musicians did an excellent job, there was one exception.

You know the one. That ridiculously drunk and/or high individual in the crowd who decides that the show should be about them, and not the band on stage.

Oh yes, there's one at every show. Somehow, too, I have the unfortunate ability to always end up right next to them. It was a girl this time, about three people to my left, and she was rip-roaring drunk from the beginning of their set to the end, when someone finally, mercifully, pulled her out.

Experiencing That Person at a show is an interesting study in sociology, both for how that individual acts and why, and also for how the people around them respond. Most of the time, especially at quieter shows like this one, the prevailing attitude seems to be one of passive aggressive annoyance. If she'd been at a metal show, she'd have been drowned out by the music. A person causing trouble at a punk show would have been rewarded with an elbow to the stomach or a boot to the junk.

In our case, though, passive aggressive annoyance reigned. During any break between songs, or just a particularly quiet section of music, she'd blurt out things like "Thank you for coming to the Orpheum Stage Door Theatre! Wisconsin loves you!" and "You are the best singer of 2008!" as though she had been hired to provide running (if painfully dull) commentary. And through all of this, there were two people who I was pretty sure were friendly with her, and they too failed to do anything to get her to stop.

It wasn't until the final song of the night--a particularly mellow and heartfelt piece--that the crowd began to actively shush her. And her reply? "They want me to shut the fuck up!" shouted really loudly.

I guess I just don't understand the mindset that leads to this kind of attention whoring. Even at my drunkest (which, admittedly, doesn't happen very often) I don't feel compelled to yell out inanities in the middle of shows. There are plenty of drunken fools who can keep quiet and/or be relatively inoffensive in public. So what leads that select few to show up and attempt to fuck things up for everyone else? And why must there be at least one at every g'damn concert I go to?

I'm tempted to start treating all of these situations as though they're punk rock shows.

But I end with this: Please, please, for the love of all that is good in this world, don't be That Guy/Girl. No one is there to see or hear you. At best, you tick off a whole crowd of people who will secretly hate you forever. At worst, you get kicked in the junk. Why risk it?

The good news for Oct. 28, 2008

There's a lot going on in the world that doesn't have much of anything to do with the impending U.S. elections. Some of this news is good, some not. All of it, I think, is worthwhile reading.

Still, be sure to get yourself educated and go vote next Tuesday. Seriously. If you don't and we meet in person, I can't be held responsible if my foot decides to kick you in the shins.

• [Washington Post] Rwanda now boasts the first female majority in the world for their Parliament. They've also been working hard since the genocide of the mid 90's to establish gender equality in the country. This is good stuff.
• [Glen Greenwald] So apparently an active U.S. Army unit has been assigned to NorthCom (that would be right here in the United States), and this is the first time that's ever been done. Because, y'know, there are strict Constitutional prohibitions against our standing army being assigned to domestic law enforcement duties. The ACLU, thankfully if unsurprisingly, is pressing the government for imformation about this potentially illegal move.
• [Stereohyped] I'm not sure who's behind this really poorly done and obviously fake campaign mailer, but it's both stupid and a fine example of the racist attitudes still held by far too many folks, even right here in Wisconsin.
• [Cracked] Five presidential elections even dumber than this one. Didn't think it was possible!
  

My friends, that's what we call a clean sweep

I was at band practice during the debates last night, but I came home and watched most of it via the good ol' intertubes and read some of the immediate commentary/reaction as well. My impression of who "won" the debate (subjective as that is) seems to be in line with the majority of the rest of the country: Obama, easily, and that makes him three for three in this debate thing. He was cool, collected, and on point, whereas McCain came off as whiny, irritated, and scattered.

When it came to awesome facial expressions, though, the winner was clearly McCain.

This photo seems to sum up what he thinks of so-called "women's health", though I think what's actually happening is that he's just had a vision of his future in politics:


I was especially impressed with (and relieved by) how Obama addressed the issues of ACORN and Ayers. Not that I suspect what he said will quiet the most rabid of the right-wing noise machine, but for those moderates who'd only been hearing snippets about the issues, I suspect it will put them to bed once and for all. Here's that section of the debate, for reference and because I think it's that good:

In fact, Mr. Ayers has become the centerpiece of Senator McCain's campaign over the last two or three weeks. This has been their primary focus. So let's get the record straight. Bill Ayers is a professor of education in Chicago.

Forty years ago, when I was 8 years old, he engaged in despicable acts with a radical domestic group. I have roundly condemned those acts. Ten years ago he served and I served on a school reform board that was funded by one of Ronald Reagan's former ambassadors and close friends, Mr. Annenberg.

Other members on that board were the presidents of the University of Illinois, the president of Northwestern University, who happens to be a Republican, the president of The Chicago Tribune, a Republican-leaning newspaper.

Mr. Ayers is not involved in my campaign. He has never been involved in this campaign. And he will not advise me in the White House. So that's Mr. Ayers.

Now, with respect to ACORN, ACORN is a community organization. Apparently what they've done is they were paying people to go out and register folks, and apparently some of the people who were out there didn't really register people, they just filled out a bunch of names.

It had nothing to do with us. We were not involved. The only involvement I've had with ACORN was I represented them alongside the U.S. Justice Department in making Illinois implement a motor voter law that helped people get registered at DMVs.

Now, the reason I think that it's important to just get these facts out is because the allegation that Senator McCain has continually made is that somehow my associations are troubling.

Let me tell you who I associate with. On economic policy, I associate with Warren Buffett and former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker. If I'm interested in figuring out my foreign policy, I associate myself with my running mate, Joe Biden or with Dick Lugar, the Republican ranking member on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, or General Jim Jones, the former supreme allied commander of NATO.

Those are the people, Democrats and Republicans, who have shaped my ideas and who will be surrounding me in the White House. And I think the fact that this has become such an important part of your campaign, Senator McCain, says more about your campaign than it says about me.

Meanwhile, in somewhat related news, Obama's lead in Wisconsin is apparently so great the the Republican National Committee is pulling all of its McCain ads out of the state. While I'm a little sad that we've apparently lost our battleground state status and thus some national spotlight, I can't say I'm disappointed.

EDIT: That photo above reminded me of this screengrab from a recent-ish episode of the Colbert Report:
John McCain is a reptilian! It all suddenly makes sense now.

Sunday Brunch: Bicycle kung-fu!

OK, this is seriously just about the most amazing thing I've ever found on Youtube. It is at turns both incredibly rad and completely baffling, and I love it for that.

Bicycles. Kung-fu. Lady and her gang using their bicycles to kung-fu the bad guys into submission. I mean, it just doesn't get much better than that. Enjoy!

Sunday Brunch: God and Breakfast

In yet another bout of shameless self-promotion, today's brunch comes courtesy of Rob and my latest Wis-Kino short.

I should mention that I normally never ever eat Cap'n Crunch, and that doing so throughout the course of filming caused my stomach to feel like someone had poured a bowl of acid-covered angry kittens into it, and my mouth to become scraped and sore. Gross.

But I did get to pretend to be God, so hey, that was kind of neat (see: delightfully blasphemous!).

Lost Albatross word cloud

Courtesy of Wordle. Clearly, I talk about Van Hollen and McCain way too much.

h/t Daily Mitzvah.

The good news for Sept. 16, 2008

There's ever-so much doom and gloom in the world and media, and as unpleasant as it is it's important to pay close attention, but even still, for a slight change of pace I'm going to attempt to highlight some positive news today. Wish me luck.

• [Wisconsin State Journal] Anonymous donors gave $20 million to the UW-Madison School of Music for the construction of some nice, new performance spaces downtown. It's a nice change of pace to hear that people gave money to something other than a law or business school for once.
• [Yahoo News] Firefighter saves kitty through mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! D'awww.
• [The Capital Times] Barack Obama, in addition to pledging to help the Great Lakes, has actually released a detailed plan for how he would go about doing it.
• [grist] A U.S. District Judge tossed out a federal plan that would have allowed more snowmobiles into Yellowstone National Park.
• [TreeHugger] GM finally ponies up photos and specs on their new Volt model of electric-hybrid vehicle. It looks pretty tasty, and the engine design sounds damn cool. Hey GM? More of this if you want your business to do better, and please, keep the manufacturing in the U.S.
• [The New Yorker] This is one of the more insane--and hilarious--essays about Sarah Palin that I have yet to read.
  

The world giveth and taketh away

Here's a little news one-two punch for you to chew on this morning. First off, it looks like everyone's favorite crazy bishop, Robert C. Morlino, will be in good company when he receives the St. Edmund's Medal of Honor for Service to the Church and Community in Mystic, Connecticut on Oct. 3. Joining him will be cantankerous Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, another pillar of the nation and raving jerk.

Apparently, the guy giving out the award thinks the "recipients are very likeable people who don't try to force their views on people but hold up their lives for people to see." Uhh, yeah, sure. Has this guy been paying any attention?

On the other end of the spectrum--and I suppose you could file this under schadenfreude--comes this tale of a Colorado delegate to the RNC who was robbed blind by some lady he took back to his hotel room the night after Sarah Palin's big speech. And, though I never condone burglary, it really couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Yikes. (h/t Wonkette) This is my favorite bit:

Asked by the interviewer how America would pay for a military confrontation with Iran, he said the U.S. should take the country's resources.

"We should plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money," he said. "We deserve reimbursement."

A few hours after the interview, an unknown woman helped herself to Schwartz's resources.

It's not common, but sometimes the news brings a small smile to my face.